Response Center 3241
by Kaerran
Summary: The Protectors of the Plot Continuum comes to help out in Amestris, and boy, do they have their work cut out for them! Mary Sues, watch out!
1. Disclaimer and Intro

And now, since Salix does not want to rewrite the same thing on every chapter, she would like to present...

Disclaimer: The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia; OFUM and mini-balrogs belong to Miss Cam; AFA and mini-chimeras belong to various other personages including Amaterose, LOTR belongs to the Tolkien estate, Fullmetal Alchemist belongs to Hiromu Arakawa and Studio Bones and possibly others, the fics that are PPC'd belong to their various authors, and thus I own nothing besides Agent Salix, Agent Tan, my cat and a few books.

Introduction: Response Center #3241 is home of Agent Salix, Agent Tan, Salix's mini-balrog Roheric and Salix's mini-chimera I zumi. Salix and Tan both work for the Protectors of the Plot Continuum as assassins in the Department of Mary Sues, Fullmetal Alchemist division. They also work under Improbable Crossovers as needed. Agent Salix has also been known to work in other divisions when she feels the need.

Welcome to RC #3241...


	2. An Alchemist's mission

Agents Salix and Tanya Davies, a.k.a. Tan, were bored. It wasn't that the Fullmetal Alchemist universe was unaffected by Mary Sues, crossovers or Bad Slash. Instead, the console in Response Centre #3241 had been malfunctioning recently. Actually, Agent Salix wasn't all that bored. She owned enough books to open a miniature library, and thus was reading contentedly. Agent Tan, no matter how much she protested, was not nearly as insane as Salix in this particular respect. And so was she left to stew and wait for a mission, spending time mostly by feeding Salix's mini-balrog, Roheric, bacon.

**BEEEEEEP!**

"Oh goody, a fic." said Tan. She almost meant it too. Tan got up to look at the screen, took one look at it and said, "Oh that's fun..."

"Eh?" Salix got up to take a look and stared. "She has a brief description of each of the characters? She calls Ed 'cocky'? She doesn't know how old they are? How many times during the series do they show how old they are? And why does she mention that Rei has "a flat stomach"?"

Tan grabbed Salix's sleeve, pulled her away from the console, and pushed her towards her bag. "The sooner we leave the sooner we can kill her," she said. Salix glared at Tan and grabbed her bag.

"Right. Can we just go?" snarled Salix. Tan hit assorted buttons on the console and opened a portal. Both agents jumped through into the fic.

They were standing on a road - somewhere. Standing in the middle of the non-descript road was a short blond kid. And no one else.

"Where's Al?" asked Salix. "He's supposed to be there..."

"Betchya that it's because the author wrote down that he didn't a physical body and forgot to mention that he's a suit of armor for a while." said Tan. Salix sneered and turned back to the matter at hand.

_"Al, are we almost there?" Ed whined. _

Salix stared. "He... whined? But... he... no..." She paused and took a breath. "Ed didn't whine! Maybe he got close sometimes, but he never whined in the series! And he didn't in the manga, and he won't in the movie!"

Both agents were treated to the sight of a pack materializing from an empty patch of air, a piece of bread floating out of the pack and being thrown to Edward.

"Er..." said Tan, and checked the Words. "So Al now carries a pack with convenient food in it? Oh, and apparently Al calls Ed 'Ed' not 'Brother'." Tan carefully backed away from Salix as her partner turned and interesting shade of red.

"Ack! Al doesn't carry a pack, and Ed doesn't always whine about food! Only in Aquaroya was he that obsessed with food. And only in the dubs does Al call Ed 'Ed' all the time! My original impression with this writer was that they were a dub watcher, but that episode hadn't aired yet! Argh!" The only reason that Salix stopped ranting there was because Tan had grabbed her arm and pulled the both of them into a nearby plothole.

"What was that for?" asked Salix, yanking her arm out of Tan's grip.

"Did you really want to sit around for a few hours? At least we're now in that town," said Tan. Salix looked around. Besides seeing a certain OOC canon character, no one else was visible. Tan pulled out her Analysis Device and pointed it at Ed. It beeped shrilly.

Edward Elric. The Full Metal Alchemist. Human male. Canon. Out of Character 43

Tan sighed. "I was expecting something like that. I was aiming for Al though." She pointed the Analysis Device randomly around Ed until it started beeping again.

Alphonse Elric. Human male. Canon. Non-entity. Out of Character 40.7

Salix raised an eyebrow. "Well that's interesting... Since when does this thing make editorial comments?"

Tan shrugged. "Dunno, although calling Al a non-entity isn't that editorial. If it enters Ed's title then why not the fact that Al's not exactly there? Oh drat, they're splitting up. Should we follow Ed or Al?"

"Al. He's harder to see, but Ed doesn't do anything," said Salix. Both agents picked up their packs and began to wander down what they hoped was the appropriate street. They turned a corner and saw someone sitting on a bench. Salix pointed her Analysis Device again.

Rei's mother. Human female. Non-canon. Bit player

While Salix was busy beating her head against the wall, Tan watched as a suit of armor appeared out of mid-air.

"Hey look, Al reanimated," Tan remarked, and went back to reading the Words. "Kinda funny how this lady has never heard of Ed, but both the mayor and Rei have..."

The woman stood up from the bench, and she and Alphonse walked towards where Edward was standing.

"_Did you find anyone Al?" Ed asked obviously not finding anyone._

"Ack! Punctuation! Grammar! No redundancy! Proper personalities!" cried Salix.

"What was that for? No one besides the bit's going to hear you..." said Tan.

"I can still try."

"_Actually..." Al stepped out from in front of the woman and she bowed._

"_Ed, we have to help her. She says that their mayor has forced everyone to stay in their houses and that he has tremendous power. He has kidnapped her daughter and is using her as a sort of ransom. We have to save her."_

"_No, I am only concerned with eating and finding that stupid stone right now."_

"Ack! He doesn't want to help people because he's hungry? Where did that come from? Unless she thinks Lior, Aquaroya and Youswell mine were all flukes!" Salix shrieked. Tan covered Salix's mouth before she could say anything else. Salix glared at Tan.

"The bit can hear you, remember?" hissed Tan. "Anyway, continue with that and I'll find some way to add Ed to your list of Lust Objects." Salix abruptly shut up and continued glaring at her partner. Tan pointed at the scene before them. "We're working, remember?" she said. "Who knows what we've missed."

As it turned out, the two canon characters were just leaving for the random giant white house where the Sue was. And the house was at the top of a rather menacing looking hill.

"What do you say to just portalling to the top, eh?" Tan said to Salix. "All we're going to miss is Ed swearing at Al and them deciding that they need to pursue every alchemist in Amestris." Tan's eyes unfocused for a moment as she peeked at the Words. "Actually, can we just skip to when they find the Sue? The Escher-like house would be fun to look at and/or take piccies of, but there's no other way of us getting in that cell."

Salix pointedly ignored Tan, but still opened the portal. Both agents went through and found themselves in a prison cell. A girl lay on a rather interesting bed. Tan took one look and said, "Let me guess, this is our Sue."

"However could you tell?" asked Salix rather sarcastically.

"Well, let's see, that bed there seems to be a perfectly normal bed you might find in my bedroom, if I had one, except that the materials used in the construction of the frame seems to be straw and fabric."

Salix stared at Tan. "Long enough sentence?"

Tan shrugged. "I was bored."

Salix suddenly tensed up and dove under the bed. Before Tan had a chance to recover, Salix grabbed her partner's ankle and dragged her under as well.

"What the hell was that for?"

Salix put a finger to her lips. "Try listening," she said. Tan waited a moment and heard loud footsteps.

"Oh. Didn't realize that Ed and Al would be here so quickly," commented Tan quietly. The two agents waited through Al's shouting about the Sue, and the two canon characters appeared at the front of the cell.

"_Do you want to do the honors?" Ed asked._

"_No, I got the last one."_

Salix blinked. "Did that even make sense?" she hissed. "There's no context for what they're talking about. How is the audience supposed to know what they're referring to?"

Tan grinned thinly. "They sound like assassins wondering who's turn it is to kill the Sue."

The agents watched as Edward nodded, and started glaring at the lock as he 'focused' on it. He then clapped his hands together very theatrically and attempted to push the lock through the bars. Suddenly the lock exploded, and the agents were very suddenly tossed around as the tense changed long enough for the lock to fall to the ground.

"Gaah..." said Salix, as she massaged her forehead. "Please, no more random tense changes..."

Tan managed to look confused. "Since when do locks explode?"

"Since the author decided that alchemy could do that," snarled Salix. She finally located the aspirin in her bag and swallowed one.

A very loud 'bang' suddenly startled the agents. Salix whacked her head on the bed frame and attempted to burn a hole through the bed with her gaze. Tan managed not to react besides wincing and starting to write the charge list, beginning with 'Assaulting PPC agents'.

"What was that?" asked Tan.

Salix frowned and started to read the Words. "Apparently the Sue woke up and managed to manifest a bang right before punching Ed in the jaw. We have to be quiet now, she might actually hear us," she whispered.

"_(gasp)! Sorry. I thought you were that stupid ogre Dothen." Rei apologized._

Salix mouthed, "Ogre?" to Tan. Tan nodded and added 'Making an uncanonical species appear' to the charge list.

"That is besides the fact that she managed to pronounce two brackets," whispered Tan. "Whatever, I don't really think it warrants a charge." Salix rolled her eyes.

The agents managed to sit relatively quietly as Edward managed not to care about some random girl attacking him, and the mayor of the city randomly appearing in the cell. Neither did they comment about the fact that the Sue was acting more like Edward than he was, although Salix did find the need to comment on some random capitalisation.

"Why does man need capitalizing?" hissed Salix. "It's not like Lord of the Rings, where you need to capitalize it to indicate they're from the race of Men. All you have here are humans. And homunculi. But they don't count."

Tan ignored her rambling partner as she read ahead. "Oh great, now we have another random fake Philosopher's Stone that's shown up."

Edward finally decided to do something, and managed to transmute a sword from the floor without even clapping his hands together. Salix's protestations were covered by the mayor's comments.

"_Materializing something without a circle! How did you do that?" The mayor asked amazed._

"_Yeah, and it's going to be fun kicking your ass with it." Ed said launching himself at the man._

While Salix was busy trying to hit her head on the floor soundlessly, Tan tried to move to a better position. The agents had been under the bed for a few minutes, so she was starting to cramp up. She looked at the Words and groaned. "Aw frell, they're going to be at this for awhile."

Salix looked up. "We could skip ahead..."

Tan shook her head. "You know how the SO frowns down on skipping out on charges. There's a couple important ones. She uses alchemy without an array and she makes Ed turn the mayor into cocktail sausages." Salix raised an eyebrow.

The agents went back to ignoring Rei and Al, who were chatting like old friends. The conversation also served to tell some to the obligatory unhappy Sue-past, which in Rei's case was that she was hated for doing alchemy. Tan noted the charge.

"_Shut UP! I-have had-ENOUGH!" Rei stood up. She closed her eyes and her hair flew up. Slamming her hands together and then on the ground creating many little daggers._

"Er... what?" said Salix, watching Rei's hair stand on end. "That's Mei's trick." When Tan gave Salix a funny look, Salix tried to explain herself. "You know, the kid that showed up in Youswell in Chapter 32. She used those little daggers to shore up the collapsing mine. -er hair stood on end when the mine collapsed. You know what I mean, right?" Tan went back to writing the charge list.

"There's the no-array alchemy," commented Tan as she wrote down the charge.

Rei then threw a sword at the mayor, which somehow pinned him to the wall.

Salix blinked. "First she had daggers, now the daggers are a sword..."

"_Know is your chance. Strike!" Rei shouted to Ed._

"_Right." Ed leapt into the air and sliced and diced the man._

Tan shuddered. "I don't want to ever see _that_ again." The last sentence had been taken quite literally, so the mayor was now a nice pile of cubes. "Ew..."

After they all stood around for a while and Rei asked Ed to teach her alchemy.

"So she needs rescuing from some mayor, and then she wants to be taught alchemy? And Ed says 'Maybe'? Hey Tan, did you ever play the Playstation game?" asked Salix.

"Uh, no. What does that have to do with anything?" said Tan.

"In the game, Ed and Al meet up with the daughter of an old friend of Izumi's. The daughter, Armony, wanted to learn Alchemy from Ed. He refused to teach her until she made a deal with him. Anyway, for him to teach some random kid that he just had to rescue from a prison cell is incredibly OOC."

"And since when has Ed been in character in a Sue-fic?"

Tan stiffened suddenly. "Um, Salix, don't look up, look at the Words."

Salix raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"Next sentence," said Tan, which clarified absolutely nothing.

Salix finally looked at the Words, paled, and joined Tan at looking at the floor.

_Al followed behind her and Ed in the back._

Neither agent had the courage to actually look at that particular scene. They weren't quite sure how it would manifest. They also barely had time to crawl from under the bed before the world shifted around them.

"I feel sick," groaned Tan.

"Spatial shifts aren't very nice," muttered Salix.

"_Rei!" Her mother shouted. She ran up and hugged her._

"_Hey mom." Rei said unhappily._

"_Thank you for bringing our little miracle worker back to us. In honor of the occasion, we shall throw a banquet for our weary travelers." There were shouts and woots coming from the crowd that had gathered._

"I thought they weren't allowed out of their houses..." said Tan.

"Am I the only one that doesn't follow the logic here? If they didn't like Rei then why were they all locked up? Wasn't it because of her they stayed in?" asked Salix.

Tan shrugged. "You know what? I don't really care."

"Fine then. Why can I hear 'woots'?" asked Salix. "Last time I said that I was celebrating winning a cosplay competition. Anyway, it's w00t." Somehow, Salix managed to pronounce the two zeros in the word.

"_Now Rei, dear, please make these into food and then make them statues and..." Rei tuned out her mother and looked over to Ed and Al for help._

"_Yes mother." Rei went over to the table that had various rocks and wood and sand on it. Rei put her hands over it and instantly, all of it became different kinds of food._

"_You guys go ahead and eat. Rei can always make more. Know Rei, go and fix our sink would you. And then do the neighbors yard, he wants his bushes to be shrunk._

"_Yes ma'am."_

"_Good girl."_

"And here we have Super!Alchemist!Sue, who can transmute without an array, ignore Equivalent Trade, and can't use proper grammar to save her life," commented Salix. "She also takes orders for some reason."

"Oh shush, Salix."

The two agents raided the food tables that everyone was ignoring, and at the same time they were completely unaware of Ed and Rei talking and Rei wandering off to change clothes.

"Hey, this food isn't that bad, considering that it's made out of rocks, wood and/or sand," commented Salix. "Hmm... Hey Tan, you ever hear Rocks and Trees by the Arrogant Worms?" Tan nodded and continued stuffing food into her bag. Salix grinned, and started humming.

After a few more minutes, Salix peeked at the Words. "We don't really care about her non-sensically comfortable clothes and the confusing sentences, right? We can stay here."

Tan shugged. "We can stay if we grab charges off the Words. She knows about Ed's automail and Al's armor, and Ed doesn't care that she knows."

Salix noticed something in the Words. "Dangit, we do need to be there!" She grabbed Tan, opened a portal and shoved her partner through.

"What was that for?" demanded Tan. "We don't really need to be here, do we?"

"_We are looking for the Alchemy stone. It is supposed to allow you to do any type of Alchemy without you paying the price, like my brother and I did. It breaks every rule of Alchemy without actually breaking them."_

Salix and Tan stared. Standing before the Sue and Edward was a rather unusual creature.

"That looks like a chimera," whispered Tan. "So the minis here are mini-chimera? Mini-chimeras?"

Salix nodded. "It looks that way," she said. The mini-chimera noticed the two agents and wandered over. "Aw, it's so cute! Can we keep it Tan?"

Tan shifted uncomfortably. "I don't know. Who's in charge of the FMA minis anyway?"

Salix frowned. "Well, the Alchemists Fanfiction Academy just opened, so I guess it'd go there." She suddenly perked up. "Hey Tan, could I adopt one? It'd be fun! Roheric would have company then too. "

"Um, can we discuss this later? This isn't the time. Anyway, what's with you? You're never this perky."

Salix held up an empty wrapper. "I found my stash of candy!"

Tan sighed. "Fine then, can we go somewhere else? These two are getting on my nerves."

Salix handed Tan the portal-thingy. "You fiddle, I'll deal with the mini."

"Sure whatever. So, what is the mini called?" asked Tan.

"The mini is probably Alchemy stone. Everyone knows that it's the Philosopher's Stone that they're looking for."

The mini looked up. "Yes," it said. The agents stared at it.

"Salix, is it normal for minis to talk? 'Cause I don't remember Roheric ever saying anything."

"Mini-Aragogs talk. The chimeras in Episode 42 talk. Why not mini-chimeras?"

Tan blinked and shrugged. "Anyway, where to? We could stay here and get some sleep, but the mid-sentence tense shift and author notes would probably wake us up. Either that or we portal to the jungle that shows up next chapter and sleep there," said Tan.

"Jungle sounds good." said Salix. Tan nodded and activated the portal generator.

In the jungle, both agents laid out sleeping bags and tried to get some sleep, while the mini curled up nearby. The three travellers tromping through the forest woke them.

"Five more minutes," groaned Salix.

"We have to get up. They won't be around forever," said Tan sleepily.

"_So, what do you guys think? Better than a desert, huh?"_

"_Whatever, I'm still hungry, and extremely thirsty." Ed whined._

_Rei leaned over to Al. "Is he always this whiny?" She asked._

"It's your own fault, Sue," muttered Tan. She reached over and yanked Salix's sleeping bag open.

"Ack! Cold!" yelped Salix.

"Get up, they're leaving," said Tan as she packed up.

The two agents and one mini reached the travellers just in time to hear another travesty to canon.

"_Well, If you are really that thirsty then here. I brought us each a canteen of water. I hope you can drink water Al." Rei tossed a canteen to Ed and gave one to Al. They each took a drink from their canteens and put them away in their bags._

Salix spluttered for a moment before finally saying, "What part of 'empty suit of armor' do you not understand? He can't drink water, he can't eat and he certainly can't feel!"

"I'll put it down on the charge list, don't worry," said Tan.

"Can we leave? All the charges here are missing commas, making Ed look bad, and sending Al so far out of character that he can't touch canon with a very long pole," pointed out Salix.

"Let me hit him with the Analysis Device, and then we'll leave, okay?"

Tan pointed the Analysis Device at Al and instantly scrambled for the mute button when the device shrieked.

Alphonse Elric. Canon. Out Of Character: 86.4 WARNING! CHARACTER RUPTURE!

"Who'da thunk, he's out of character," said Salix very sarcastically. "Now can we go? I wanna miss out on her angsty past, thanks."

"What, you don't want to see Ed, Al and Rei play War?"

"We have plenty of charges, let's just skip to the random town."

As Tan pulled the portal-thingy out and opened a portal, she couldn't help but comment "Are you skipping most of the second chapter on purpose?" Salix ignored her, and went through the portal.

The two agents arrived, trailing the mini behind them, right in front of a restaurant just as Sue and co. arrived.

"_Here it is. The Trampus Tranto." Rei said jumping up and down._

"What kind on name is Trampus Tranto? First thing it brings to mind is images of hobos," said Salix. Tan shrugged.

"_Yeah, but do we have any money?"_

"_The man said that if we just tell them he sent us, we could have food for free."_

"_Are you sure? Usually that means trouble. I bet we are going to have to work after we eat." Ed said._

"_Oh lighten up will ya. Don't think that way, look at me, I have every right not to trust people but I still do." Rei smiled happily and walked in with Al by her side._

"I have an idea about how to get her," said Salix. "We use that unnatural trust of hers to lure her away from Ed and Al, and then we charge her. Otherwise we'll probably have two annoyed alchemists after us."

"This is why I never want to get a Roy-chasing Sue. Roy goes 'snappy, snappy' and we go up in flames. And not the review kind either. But your plan sounds good," said Tan. Then she remembered something. "Oh yeah, have you noticed how she never ends her dialogue properly? Comma abuse is rampant in this fic." The two agents finally followed the travelers into the restaurant.

"_So, what can I get for you?" The waitress named Grace asked._

"_I just want a big juicy hamburger with lettuce, tomato, and onions." Rei said, mouth watering._

"_I'll have whatever she is having." Al said._

"_Make that three."_

"_Okay, three hamburgers coming right up."_

"Why are they having hamburgers? Isn't this 1914? Were hamburgers commercially available in restaurants at that time? Does Amestris even have hamburgers?"

Tan rolled her eyes. "Yes, they had hamburgers in 1914. Stop being so anal retentive, we aren't here to charge her on everything that might be right or wrong. I thought that you'd be more annoyed by Al ordering food too. Come on, I don't want to wait twenty minutes while they're waiting for their food." Tan headed for the door, dragging Salix with her.

"But they're drinking Coke. Coca-Cola! In 1914 it still had cocaine in it," wailed Salix. "She's feeding poor Ed-kun drugs."

Tan sighed. "I thought that you weren't an Ed fangirl, remember? Why are you calling him Ed-kun?"

Salix muttered something that sounded a lot like "but I'm not, and Hawkeye calls him that, why not me..."

Tan sighed again. "Salix, you have issues," she commented.

"Can you name any PPC agent that doesn't?" replied Salix. "I thought it was a prerequisite to be insane to be an agent. Can you let me go now? I can walk. Hey wait, where'd the mini go?"

Tan let go. "I thought you were watching it."

"You were the last one. I was fiddling with the portal thingy, remember?"

"That was way back in the jungle. I thought you cared more about it than that."

Luckily, the two agents finally left the restaurant and found the mini-chimera waiting patiently for them outside.

"So, we just wander for twenty minutes then?" asked Tan as Salix picked up the mini.

"Aw, we're so sorry we forgot about you and--hmm? Oh, right, sure, wander. Why not," said Salix rather distractedly and went back to talking to the mini.

Tan sighed for the third time in as many minutes. "Why am I stuck with you...?" she muttered, and proceeded to wander down the street, trailing Salix behind her by several metres.

Funnily enough, it was Salix who noticed when twenty minutes had passed. "Hey Tan, we should be headed back. Twenty minutes passed, and we don't know how long it'll be before they finish eating."

"Gimmie a sec," said Tan, who was busy examining something-or-another in a shop window that Salix didn't recognise.

"Tan, you've been staring at that thing for five minutes. You can't have it," said Salix. When Tan showed no sign of having heard Salix, or any thought of moving, Salix sighed and started off down the street.

"I want it... oh wait. Salix, you said something about twenty minutes right? Salix?" When Tan had finally noticed that Salix was gone, aforementioned agent was already halfway back to the restaurant. "Oh, dangit."

By the time Tan managed to catch up to Salix, they were at the restaurant and the three alchemists were leaving the restaurant.

"_We might as well ask around." Al said to Ed._

"Oh gods, just split up already," said Salix. Tan gave Salix an odd look. "What? I say 'gods', it's a habit. Don't know how it cropped up. Anyway, I can't say Eru, can I? That's LOTR."

"Whatever happened to Ishvara?" asked Tan.

Salix shrugged. "Doesn't seem right. Always seemed to me to be a rather exclusive god and/or goddess. You know, I never figured that one out... Hey wait, where'd they go?"

Tan looked around. "Look, there they are. C'mon, let's grab her."

The two agents walked towards the alchemists, and approached the Sue. "Excuse me, ma'am," said Salix, who suddenly had a coughing fit. Tan glared at her partner.

"As my colleague was saying, we have something that we'd like to tell you, alone, if possible."

The Sue nodded vacantly, and followed the agents. They walked away from Ed and Al, and made sure they were out of sight before Salix grabbed the Sue's arm. The mini-chimera grabbed the other arm.

"Hey, what? What are you doing? Weren't you going to tell me something, and what is that thing hanging onto my arm?"

"You should know, seeing as you created it," remarked Tan.

Salix rummaged in her pockets. "Hey Tan, gimmie the charges. I'll charge." Tan shrugged and handed over some paper covered in writing.

"Rei, you are charged with stupid descriptions, not knowing the age of characters, sending canon characters out-of-character - specifically Edward and Alphonse - making Al a non-entity, making characters contradict themselves, making Ed only think about eating, making Ed swear at Al, forcing Ed and Al become interested in every alchemist in Amestris, making a living room take drugs, allowing canon characters to know the layout of a house they've never been in--hey Tan, I don't remember that."

Tan snorted. "Remember when we were hiding under the bed? Those happened while we were there. I caught up on the charges there, remember? I thought you'd appreciate me leaving Ed addressing the Sunflower Official off the charge list."

Salix sighed. "Anyway, you are also charged with making a lock explode, making a non-canon species appear, to whit, an ogre, forcing a non-canon to have an incomplete Philosopher's Stone for no reason or explanation whatsoever, making Ed make a sword rather than transmuting his automail, recognizing Al with no introduction, having the power to transmute without an array, having daggers one second and a sword the next, having Ed be perfectly fine about killing a man, having Ed acquiesce without any arguments, having the power to transmuted perfectly edible food from dust, knowing about the Elric's missing body parts at a part in the canon where no one knows yet, creating a mini-chimera, to whit, Alchemy stone -it's the Philosopher's Stone dimwit - where was I? Oh yes, changing what the Stone does, changing the entire point of the Elric's quest, hitting Ed without repercussions, having Al need to eat and drink, having Al actually eat and drink, making three non-canon places, to whit, Altreama, Torta and Losteerous, having Ed and Al know how to play War, making a town appear out of nowhere, making Ed appear out of nowhere, having Coca-Cola - for one thing, this is Amestris not Europe and Coke probably doesn't even exist here, and for two Coca-Cola still had cocaine in it - not having to pay for your food, and finally for being a Mary Sue. The punishment for these crimes is death. Do you have any non-sappy last words?"

"What?" said the Sue.

"Not much for last words," commented Tan. She brandished her gun, which she had taken out during Salix's recitation of the charges. "Shall I?"

"You can't do this to--" The Sue's proclamation was abruptly cut off by Tan shooting her in the head. Everyone standing around stared at the agents.

"Dammit. Salix?" Tan said nervously. Salix rummaged in her bag and produced the portal generator. "Salix, sooner is better than later. Can you hurry up please?" The townspeople started approaching the agents just as Salix managed to open a portal and the agents, mini-chimera and corpse went through.

"Cut that a bit short, didn't you?" snarled Tan. "Wait, the desert?" The surrounding area was, indeed, very hot, sandy, and dry.

"First place I could think of. If those vultures over there don't get at her first, she'll get buried by blowing sand. There aren't exactly a lot of big hungry monsters here, canonically, except in the video game." Salix dropped the corpse on the sand, and opened another portal back into their response center.

_A/N Now, wasn't that fun?. Bloody Suethors. Sorry that it's a bit stilted, its already been through a rewrite and a half. O yeah, this fic is _An Alchemist's mission _by _Inuyasha Kagome 2gether _and can be found at _id:2136210 _(that goes up in the address bar where 2450441 is right now, and I can't link to it in any other way, sorry) but I can't do anything if it's been taken down. And yes, italics (except for this authors note) are excerpts from the original story._

_Tan: And she really is an Ed fangirl. _

_Salix: Am not!_

_Tan: You're just in denial._

_Salix: ... Oh shut up. _

_Anyway, any feedback would be appreciated. Flames will be used to line Roheric the Mini-Balrog's corner. _


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